Fool's Views Rviews (M)

	*Mad Doctor of Blood Island* (1968) Um, wow. So, we’re on an island in the Philipines, right? And there’s a green monster attacking the locals. And every time we have a scene where the monster is near, director Eddie Romero thinks it would be a good idea to pulse the zoom lens in and out until the audience throws up. It’s got better gore than you’d expect, the monster is a wreck but a memorable one, and we got native girls flashing their ta-ta’s every ten minutes. So, while not a good movie, it’s a unique one that’s never, ever boring. The second in Romero’s “Blood Island” trilogy, preceded by Brides of Blood and followed by Beast of Blood.
	*Mad Love* (1935) Peter Lorre made his star-making American film debut as brilliant but disturbed surgeon Dr. Gogol in this terrific adaptation of Maurice Renard’s The Hands of Orlac (previously brought to the screen in a 1925 German silent version). This is the classic tale of a recently executed murderer’s hands, which begin to exhibit a will of their own when grafted onto the wrists of a successful pianist. At a brisk 68 minutes, there is nary a wasted moment in the entire film. With his bald head and huge eyes, Lorre inspires both disgust and sympathy as he fiercely pursues Frances Drake, star of the Grand Guignol show in Paris. Though Drake repeatedly rejects his advances, when her pianist husband Colin Clive’s hands are crushed in an accident, Lorre’s lovesick doctor seizes the opportunity to win her affections by performing the ghoulish procedure. Lorre easily dominates the film, descending further into madness and obsession yet never losing his humanity. Director Karl Freund tops his successful helming of Universal’s The Mummy with tour-de-force cinematography and atmosphere. Not to be missed.
	*Maniac* (1980) Renowned character actor Joe Spinell creates one of the most memorable (and certainly the sweatiest) psychopaths ever to grace the grindhouses. Constantly moaning, mumbling and crying, Spinell’s Frank Zito conducts a reign of terror on the NYC streets, murdering young women and tacking their bloody scalps onto his ever-growing collection of female mannequins. Working from a script by Spinell and C.A. Rosenberg and aided enormously by Tom Savini’s gut-churning and (literally) mind-blowing f/x, William Lustig directs this notorious bit of nastiness with the grime and degradation piled on an inch thick throughout. Gorgeous Caroline Munro also stars as a fashion photographer, although her attraction to and ensuing relationship with Spinell are the weakest elements in the film (not to mention the fact that his “normal” behavior is completely at odds with the remainder of his unhinged performance). Fans should also check out Spinell and Munro’s 1982 follow-up, The Last Horror Film (aka Fanatic) which reimagines the Zito character as a wannabe horror director chasing his starlet through the Cannes Film Festival.
	*Martin* (1977) George A. Romero, having already placed his indelible stamp on the zombie genre in 1968, took on the bloodsuckers nearly a decade later with equally impressive (if not as widely copied) results. Subverting the entire vampire mythology, the erstwhile Pittsburgh writer/director creates a sympathetic portrayal of a troubled teenager named Martin (brilliantly played by John Amplas) who believes himself to be an 88-year-old vampire. As he is unaffected by the usual garlic and crucifix tropes, and uses razor blades to slash open the wrists of his victims, viewers are never quite sure whether Martin is truly one of the undead or merely psychotic, and Romero keeps us guessing with the insertion of b/w “flashbacks” of the character’s previous exploits. As Michael Powell did with Peeping Tom nearly 20 years earlier, Martin opens with a jaw-dropping, pre-credits murder sequence to introduce our murderous protagonist, then spends the rest of the picture cultivating our sympathies for him – it’s a risky and outrageous move, and one that pays off in spades. While we recognize the evil that Martin does, the real “monster” is revealed to be the ostensible Van Helsing character, his overbearing uncle Lincoln Maazel, hissing “Nosferatu!” at every turn. Shamefully underrated and frequently overlooked by the zombie fanboys, Romero considers this to be his finest hour, and is equally notable for being the first collaboration between himself and “Master of Splatter” makeup f/x man Tom Savini, who also has a role in the film (minus his trademark facial hair).
	*Mask, The* (aka Eyes from Hell) (1961) Possibly best known as the cover illustration for Re:Search’s Incredibly Strange Films, this psychedelic 3D chiller about an Aztec ritual mask lives in a middle ground between standard potboiler and experimental film. After his patient commits suicide, psychiatrist Paul Stevens attempts to uncover the hypnotic, strange powers the titular object has upon the wearer, and unsurprisingly, falls under its spell himself. Commanded (frequently) to “Put on the mask!” (the cue for viewers to don their 3D glasses), Stevens is transported in a hallucinatory realm of horror imagery, with snakes, firebolts and sexy, muslin-wearing females lurching toward him and the audience in blue-and-red tinted stereovision. While a bit silly at times, there is a fair amount of thrill-n-chills entertainment to be found here, particularly as the addictive nature of the mask exerts itself over the poor headshrinker, tempting him to bump off his colleagues and loved ones. Definitely worth a look. Not to be confused with the 1994 Jim Carrey comic vehicle.
	*Masters of Horror: Chocolate* (2005) Okay, I’ll come right out and say it: While I believe with every fiber of my being that Mick Garris is indeed the “Nice Guy” of Nice Guy Productions (the producers of the MoH series), I’ve just never been a big fan of his work behind the camera. What Stephen King sees in the guy, I don’t know. So, it was quite a pleasant surprise that his debut episode (based off his own short story) turned to be quite the corker of thwarted expectations. I’m not saying it was great, because it has the flawed and stilted moments that mar much of his other efforts, often off the lips of frequent collaborator Matt Frewer. But the storyline about an artificial-flavoring technician (Henry Thomas) who begins to have hallucinations – experienced through the eyes, ears and nose of an unknown woman, no less – had me guessing throughout and I honestly never knew where it was going. What’s more, I actually cared where it was going. Not my favorite of the series, to be sure, but quite possibly my favorite Garris flick to date.
	*Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns* (2005) Probably one of the reasons this first season ep from John Carpenter resonates so strongly is that many horror fans can absolutely relate to its core idea: the lengths that one will go to in order to procure an extremely rare, even “lost” horror film, as well as the constant quest to discover a picture that will make a real impact on the jaded viewer who has seen it all. Reptilian film collector Udo Kier commissions cult film connoisseur Norman Reedus to track down a print of the “Holy Grail of modern horror films,” Le Fin Absolue du Monde – a film that reportedly touched off a bloodsoaked riot at its only public screening at the Sitges Fantasy Film Festival. Horror geeks will thrill to the many off-handed references that only those in the know will pick up on, but even novices should get a kick out of the explicitly nasty gore and imagery (courtesy of the KNB boys, Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger) combined with a healthy dose of the smarts.
	*Masters of Horror: Deer Woman* (2005) To all those who lined up to take a smash at John Landis for putting too much humor in his horror, I gotta ask, “Who did you think they were hiring?” This is John-tongue-in-cheek-until-it-comes-out-the-other-side-Landis we’re talking about here, and remember how we liked the comedy in American Werewolf? Personally, I had a good time watching Brian Benben take the bull by the horns (oops, bad metaphor) as the proverbial burned-out detective handling a case that is too bizarre to be believed: A beautiful woman (Cinthia Moura) picks up men in bars and the next day, the horndogs are found pounded into oblivion, their mangled bodies marked with what look like…hoof prints. Does it get a little goofy at times? Absolutely. Is it scary? Not in the least. Does it entertain? Well, that’s kinda up to you. If you’re willing to go along for the ride in familiar Landis territory, then the answer is yes…deer.
	*Masters of Horror: Fair-Haired Child, The* (2006) Lori Petty leaves her cute (A League of Their Own) and her quirky (Tank Girl) self behind, bringing a truly creepy presence to this tale of a kidnapped high school girl (Lindsay Pulsipher). Seems that Petty and her equally twitchy husband (William Samples) have been doing a little dabbling in the black arts and conjured up a freaky little carnivorous beastie that has particular tastes, ones that err toward the young and tender. William Malone, of the wildly divisive House on Haunted Hill remake and the universally despised feardotcom, does a more-than-serviceable job maintaining the claustrophobic atmosphere and keeping Petty and Samples’ dark secrets mysterious yet intriguing. The creature itself (designed by the director himself) provides some good scares as well, easily one of the creepiest monsters to come along in quite a while. Didn’t love it as much as some have professed to, but liked it well enough.
	*Masters of Horror: Family* (2006) I’ve complained in the past about the MoH episodes I’ve seen feeling too much like TV movies with more sex and gore. (Yes, I know that’s exactly what they are, but as HBO has shown with their shelf full of Emmys, just because it’s TV doesn’t mean it has to feel hollow.) Well, either my standards are slipping or John Landis’ episode (scripted by Brent Hanley, who also wrote the underrated Bill Paxton horror Frailty) has finally managed to marry the money and time constraints of the series with the fundamentals of the genre. George Wendt stars as this generation’s Norman Bates: a kind and portly neighbor type who has the nasty habit of killing off folks and dressing up their skeletons to fulfill his need for the perfect family. When an attractive couple moves in next door, he sets his homicidal sights on the pretty wife (Meredith Monroe) as the newest addition to his tribe. The neat trick here is that viewer sympathies are completely with Wendt’s protagonist – we want to see him nab Monroe and boil her down in his acid tub. Now who’s the sick one? My only beef, and it’s a biggie – if you’re going to have poster boys Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger in your gore f/x corner, why, WHY do we have to settle for craptastic CGI? If you can’t pull off an effect, don’t show it. Period.
	*Masters of Horror: Homecoming* (2005) A thoughtful, acidic and biting commentary on the Iraq war – with zombies! Joe Dante’s offering for Showtime isn’t subtle in the least, but it’s entertaining, passionate and probably one of the best episodes the series has had to offer. When dead American soldiers slain in combat start rising out of the coffins and heading for the voting polls, it’s pretty clear where Dante’s views lie concerning the current conflict, but there’s plenty of nifty KNB gore makeup and gleefully nasty humor to balance out the polemic (Robert Picardo’s delicious Karl Rove-skewering performance is a particular highlight). I’ve heard people say that it’s “too much politics and not enough horror,” but to my mind, the real nightmare is that such a commentary ever had to be made at all, if you catch my drift.
	*Masters of Horror: Incident On and Off a Mountain Road* (2005) Don Coscarelli’s effort has so much good going on that it’s a shame that I couldn’t enjoy it more. When a woman (Bree Turner) is forced off the road by an abandoned car, she encounters a hideous, murderous giant of a creature bent on bringing down its prey. However, as we learn through increasingly tedious flashback sequences, our heroine is married to a hardcore survivalist (and a ruthlessly sociopathic one at that), so she’s got a few tricks up her sleeve. Coscarelli’s never been one to shy away from the red stuff, but here it feels particularly gratuitous (one of my main complaints with the series as a whole), and the character development is pretty weak overall. On the plus side, however, Angus Scrimm’s marvelous performance as a giddy old codger relegates his iconic Tall Man persona to the shadows. Also, kudos to the director for not feeling compelled to pad things out to suit the standard hour-long format: 51 minutes and we’re outta there.
	*Masters of Horror: Pelts* (2006) Meat Loaf Aday takes the lead as a sleazy stripclub-lovin’ fur dealer who buys some enchanted raccoon pelts from crusty old trapper John Saxon, with rather messy results. As the credits rolled on this one, I thought to myself, "That could have been a cozy 30 minute Twilight Zone ep if not for the gratuitous nudity and gore scenes. Oh, and the raccoons peeking in windows." Is it my imagination, or is Argento turning into Lucio Fulci in his old age? His MoH offerings have been nothing but examinations of the grotesque, with none of the directorial style and flair that made him who he is. With the exception of the Claudio Simonetti score, which I did enjoy - it doesn't feel like an Argento flick. There's nothing distinctive about it at all; anybody could have done it, which is not something you could say about his earlier work. However, the nudity and gore is pretty first rate, with the exception of the final bit with Mssr. Loaf. That was just silly.
	*Masters of Horror: Pick Me Up* (2005) Having had a soft spot for Larry Cohen’s horror efforts for a long time, and oft-saddened by the fact that rarely does his name roll off the lips of today’s horror fans, I was thrilled when MoH tapped the famously independent auteur to pitch in for an ep. The result is a terrific black comedy concerning a homicidal hitchhiker (Warren Cole, bringing a Matthew McConaughey swagger to the proceedings) who preys upon unsuspecting motorists being tracked by kooky old bird Michael Moriarty in a big ol’ 18-wheeler, with tough gal Fairuza Balk caught in the middle. Nobody, but nobody gets their weird on better than Moriarty, and Cohen’s pacing is sure and strong. While Balk grates a bit, the two men are ably matched and the story motors along from the sparks they throw. Easily one of my favorite episodes from the first season.
	*Masters of Horror: Right To Die* (2006) Driving home from a less-than-successful romantic getaway, a man (Martin Donovan) and his wife (Julia Anderson) crack up in a nasty auto accident, one that leaves her horribly burned and barely clinging to life. A decision must be made as to if, when and how to pull the plug, but in this case there are more than just moral issues at stake, made evident by a nifty midway plot twist that shakes things up in just the right way. While Donovan is solid as usual, the real star turns come from the supporting ranks: L.A. LAW’S Corbin Bernsen’s reptilian lawyer is a brilliant hoot of casting, and Robin Sydney’s giggling seductress/bimbo captures just the right amount of dippy pheromones and sloe-eyed charm. KNB’s makeup acumen is put to its best use yet, as the crispy crunchy version of Anderson is a masterpiece of ooginess. WRONG TURN’s Rob Schmidt shows that he’s definitely ready for his next big screen assignment.
	*Masters of Horror: Screwfly Solution,* *The* (2006) Leave it to Joe Dante to provide the MoH episode featuring the most violence directed towards women, and yet do it in such a way that it actually makes a point. Based on James Tiptree, Jr.’s terrifying short story, screenwriter Sam Hamm (Tim Burton’s Batman and last year’s scathing satire, Homecoming, also helmed by Dante) introduces the notion of a “plague of violence,” where the males of the species are inexplicably turning on their female counterparts with increasing frequency. Scientists Jason Priestly and Elliot Gould race the clock (while battling their own inherent maleness) to find a cure before the human race is literally brought to an end, while Priestly’s wife Kerry Norton fights for her and her daughter’s lives in the ever-mounting hostility of their own neighborhood. Hard-hitting sci-fi/horror – with very little of Dante’s trademark flashes of humor – this is the way one imagines the world likely ends: Not with a bang but a mournful whimper. One of the series’ high points thus far.
	*Masters of Horror: Sick Girl* (2005) Hmmm. Lucky McKee’s MoH installment turns out to be a real mixed bag. The premise – an exotic insect shipped to entomologist Angela Bettis wreaks havoc on her apartment complex and her burgeoning lesbian relationship with equally freaky Erin (“don’t call me Misty Mundae”) Brown – is certainly interesting enough to maintain our attention. But Bettis, who sealed a place in many fans’ hearts as the titular character in McKee’s breakout film May, overdoes the nasally nerd thing, and while one can imagine that she and her director pal were highly amused while the cameras rolled, it never really succeeds as a believable performance. Did no one think to point out that Bettis comes off as fairly offbeat anyway – gilding the lily isn’t necessary here. The buggy and splatter f/x range somewhere between good and TV’s Tales from the Darkside in quality, but Brown’s fans will be pleased to hear that the clothes-shy starlet’s duds hit the floor at about the halfway point.
	*Mesa Of Lost Women* (1953) “Have you ever been kissed by a girl like this?” Lovely exotic spider women, mad and madder scientists, a two-timing gold digging female and a huge puffy stuffed spider puppet add up to a hallucinogenic experience that occasionally stumbles into artless grace. Jackie Coogan (yes, Uncle Fester from TV’s The Addams Family) is carrying on inscrutable experiments in the jungles of the Muerto Desert (?), turning women into lethal killing machines or lethal killing machines into women, one of the two. After the avant-garde techniques drive unwilling colleague Harmon Stevens mad, he escapes from the loony bin and hijacks a newlywed couple’s plane and pilot for no real good reason other than he’s mad. Renowned character actor Lyle Talbot offers up the juicy arch voiceover narrative, but it’s all too clear he’s the only one in on the joke. As the nefarious Tarantella, Tandra Quinn turns in her best Santanico Pandemonium impression in the local cantina. DVD Delirium’s Nathaniel Thompson describes it as “one of those films able to transcend the limits of time, stretching out indefinitely until you’re convinced there’s no way it will ever end,” and it’s too apt a description to avoid repeating here. While the directors Ron Ormond and Herbert Tevos bear much of the credit, it’s Hoyt S. Curtin’s insanely persistent Mexican guitar/piano score that really seals the deal. Look sharp for diminutive Freaks star Angelo Rossitto as Coogan’s lab assistant.
	*Messiah of Evil* (1973) Obviously inspired by Night of the Living Dead and possessing the dreamlike, doom-laden tone of Let’s Scare Jessica to Death, here is a thoughtful, introspective, very original and regrettably neglected entry into low-budget 70s horror. Directed by Willard Huyck and co-written with Gloria Katz (later the screenwriters for American Graffiti and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – as well as the creators of Howard the Duck), Messiah creates its own unique blend of horror and political commentary. When Marianna Hill arrives in a small California coastal town looking for her father, she discovers little is as it seems. An encounter with a trio of free-loving hedonists, led by Michael Greer, only deepens her sense of isolation and disorientation. Despite his minimal budget, Huyck cultivates a sinister, dreamlike atmosphere that conveys a sense of rot, both moral and physical, clinging to the village’s residents like a malignant cancer. There are several standout scenes, with the ones at the supermarket and cinema taking top honors. While it may require patience and willingness to overlook some of the rougher technical aspects (not to mention the fact that currently, all existing prints are in a pretty sorry state), there are rewards in store for the adventurous.
	*Monolith Monsters, The* (1957) After crashing near a town in Death Valley, fragments of a meteor expand and grow when touched by water. When the resulting stalagmite marauders threaten the nearby town, it’s up to Incredible Shrinking Man star Grant Williams to find answers quick, especially when he discovers that contact with the fragments turns his neighbors into solid rock. Robert Fresco and Norman Jolley deserve huge kudos for coming up with a truly original antagonist from space as opposed to just another cheapie monster in a suit, and Clifford Stine’s special effects live up to their name. Ably directed by John Sherman, this is a sci-fi gem well worth polishing off.
	*Monster of Piedras Blancas, The* (1959) Taking more than a few cues from a certain inhabitant from the Black Lagoon down the way, this amusing low-budget creature feature takes place in an oceanside village suddenly menaced by a scaly biped with a taste for human blood and the lighthouse keeper’s sexy daughter (Jeanne Carmen). Following the 50s monster playbook, we don’t see much of the beastie until more than halfway through the film, but once Fish-face finally steps into the light, creature designer Jack Kevan’s results are none-too-shabby. If it seems like you’ve seen those claws that lovingly fondle Carmen’s abandoned garments before, it’s probably because you have: they were also used in 1956’s The Mole People. No new ground is broken here, but for fans of “guy-in-a-suit” monster flicks, this one will certainly serve the turn.
	*Monster on the Campus* (1958) Often cited as a big black mark on director Jack Arnold’s resume, this sci-fi twist on the Jekyll/Hyde-lycanthropy tale turns out to be much more entertaining than it has any right to be. While experimenting with a prehistoric fish, mild-mannered university professor Arthur Franz inadvertently learns that contact with the creature’s gamma-radiated fluids has numerous unfortunate side effects, resulting in savage German Shepherds, oversized dragonflies and murderous Neanderthals. Really, what’s not to like here? The biggest hindrances here are the rushed, attempt-at-pathos ending and Joanna Moore’s one-note performance as Franz’s girlfriend – until she starts getting carried off by prehistoric paramours, that is. Then the screams flow like Paleolithic waters. Fun stuff, and it’s got Troy Donahue.
	*Monster that Challenged the World, The* (1957) This B-monster movie’s long-winded title is a little misleading, as the only thing challenged is the audience’s tolerance level. An underground earthquake opens a fissure in the Salton Sea, releasing giant (that darn radiation!) killer mollusks to wreak havoc along nearby California waterways and beaches. Former cowboy actor Tim Holt stars as the local military man, saddled with the assignment of dealing with the slimy situation. While the underfinanced film does feature impressively grisly mock-ups of the shriveled victims, director Arnold Lavan’s pacing is as sluggish as his gastropods, failing to generate any dramatic momentum. Much of the tiny budget went into the creation of the menacing mutant mollusks (looking more like caterpillars with their tiny flailing pincers and buggy eyes), with appropriately repulsive results. Unfortunately, any visceral threat is severely hampered by the creatures’ limited “puppet-periscope” design and slow, clumsy movements. Despite its limitations, the movie does have a few good moments, including an underwater attack on a pair of swimmers that foreshadows Jaws by nearly two decades. The stocky Holt brings admirable presence (along with a few extra pounds) to his unconventional hero role, amiably courting the lovely Audrey Dalton while confronting the creepy crawlies. Fair big-bug stuff.
	*Motel Hell* (1980) “It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s Fritters.” So runs the tagline for this oddball combo of black humor and horror, featuring veteran character actor Rory Calhoun as the proprietor of the titular establishment (the “O” on the neon sign for “Motel Hello” keeps going on the blink) He and equally wacky sibling Nancy Parsons snare unsuspecting passing motorists to fill up the skins of their famous sausages, which are the delight of the county. When Calhoun takes a shine to Nina Axelrod (who occasionally appears topless, but sadly has little else to offer), tensions rise between the killer siblings, not to mention goofy brother Paul Linke who serves as the local badge. Director Kevin Conner takes a break from his Doug McClure dinosaur epics (Land that Time Forgot, etc.) to helm the madness. Calhoun and Parsons are terrific, but despite a promising beginning and a spirited final half-hour, the film lurches forward in fits and starts, never seeming to find its true tone. There is an inspired sense of creativity throughout the proceedings, from its cannibalistic premise to the “secret garden” out back of the smokehouse to some delightfully quotable lines. The general uneveness of the film (and its acting talent) keep this from being a true cult classic. Watch for future Cheers standout John Ratzenberger as one of the victims.
	*Mr. Vampire* (1985) Director and co-writer Ricky Lau turns common bloodsucker traditions on their ear in this high-spirited kung-fu-infused comedy/horror that introduces the mythos of the Hong Kong “hopping vampire.” (Now, I’ll be honest, a few months ago I didn’t even know such a subgenre existed. But thanks to the film’s deserved success, a slew of official sequels and knock-offs followed, developing quite the devoted following.) Much credit must be given to Lau and Chuek-Hon Szeto’s innovative script that wipes the slate clean and invents an elaborate vampire mythos unlike any seasoned horror fans have seen before. Even more remarkably, very little is actually explained in the time-honored drawing room fashion with an experienced Van Helsing-type character laying out all the ground rules. Instead, things become clear through the character’s actions, and what actions they are! A thrilling smashup of slapstick comedy and acrobatic stunts have our heroes, Master Gau (Ching-Ying Lam) and his two bumbling students bouncing off every imaginable surface in their struggles against the undead opponents. Throw in an ethereally beautiful female ghost (who takes a fancy to one of our heroes) and you’ve got the recipe for a wildly entertaining, entirely different kind of vampire flick. Recommended.